Does anyone really love me?
I remember sitting in the dining room area with my young friend, as she cried wondering if she was truly loved. She had been battling the lies in her head as her friends were no longer in her life and her crush wanted to put distance between them.
Does anyone really love me?
I remember sitting in a brown leather chair, a fireplace going in the background, as one of my best friends opened up about her fight with her ex-boyfriend. Her eyes searched mine with the question, “Am I worthy of love after a fight like that with the things I had said?”
Does anyone really love me?
I remember sitting in a chair at work as someone confided with me the burden, she feels she is because of her mental health.
Does anyone really love me?
Just this year, I remember calling my mom in deep hopelessness wishing to be with Jesus because I had no hope for my life and had given up my dreams on this Earth. I remember my mom encouraging me to seek support through therapy and the next day I remember calling the hotline. They helped me so much.
Today, I want to share a story that answers the question: Does anyone really love me?
This is for those fighting every day to want to live another day, and to encourage you that true love and hope in something that will last forever, exists.
Growing up, I had a tough time trusting my parents. When I was in high school, I sought total independence, and I wanted to live my life. I wanted to be known and seen. I sought after attention, love, friendship, happiness and my pleasure. I was defining my life as I went along and tried to mimic it to all the shows and movies I watched. I thought my value to society would be proven by getting together with the guy everyone wanted, being beautiful on the outside, and working hard.
Then I got a wakeup call when I left home and went to college, and I realized I didn’t really know how to take care of myself at all. All the things I found value in, changed.
I moved 300+ miles away from home and so all the relationships and friendships I had in college were new and I realized quickly, I didn’t know how to be a good friend. I wondered what was wrong with me as I experienced a falling out from many of my new college friends. I was so wrapped up in my own world that I couldn’t really invest in others in a more selfless way. I put so much value in how society saw me that I leaned on food to comfort me and ended up gaining 60+ pounds in college and I could no longer use outside beauty to validate myself.
I fell into a deep depression knowing that I really didn’t know anything, and I felt ashamed that I wasn’t as independent as I thought I was. I felt alone.
I didn’t know how to get better. I remember calling my parents and my mom told me that it was the devil whenever I had evil thoughts about myself.
In 2016, I lifted up a prayer to God to please help me because I couldn’t help myself out of this darkness. There were days I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t fake that everything was okay when there was a hollowness and emptiness gnawing at me.
To those who have had ideations about suicide, self-harm, or have had an escapist mentality. I see you and you're not alone. What’s most important to know is that God is with you in that darkness. Even if you don’t know him, you can call on him just by addressing him and talking to him as you would another person.
Yes, call 9-1-1, call a hotline, seek help. Reach out to others. God is also there. God is also your 9-1-1 call.
In scripture Psalm 91:2, it says
“This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God and I trust him.”
I felt so far away from God. He was a stranger to me, someone who I knew loved me because that’s how I was raised but I couldn’t understand it. But He showed me love even when I didn’t know him, believe him, trust him, or love him.
In scripture John 15:16, it says
“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit - fruit that will last- and so that whatever you ask in my name the father will give you.” John 15:16
Even when I couldn’t see God, or feel God, or even when I didn’t know him, He was with me.
And he brought people into my life and experiences in the midst of that suffering that I can look back to and thank him. I think of the moments of joy when I took dance classes at the gym. I remember performing with my fellow Katipunan members as we performed in our annual Pilipino Culture Night show. He blessed me with a long-term friendship and relationship with someone who endured and walked with me in a lot of dark places.
And here’s the thing God is doing now. He wants me to remember this and then let it go because it's what's behind me. The amazing thing about God is that he is the God that moves us forward, past our past, past our yesterday.
God loved me then. He loves me now. And he will love me forever, into the new, the wonder, the wilderness I don’t know yet. So, I encourage you friend to know and believe these truths if you open your heart to God, and to his son, Jesus Christ:
God loves you RIGHT NOW, exactly as you are.
God wants you to be known and seen by him.
God will never leave you alone
These are truths confirmed in the Bible. You don’t have to take my word for it. Read it for yourself. Open yourself up to the possibility that the one who created you, and who created this beautiful Earth, sees and loves you, and wants to sustain you through it all, but most of all wants you to know he has good plans.
So, for those who feel hopeless questioning the very existence of their life and meaning for it all, my deep lovers, and thinkers, who carry deep feelings, know that our Lord Jesus Christ does love you and wants to show how much he does. Could I ask you something? What could happen if you invited him into your life today?
Pray with me: Lord, I don’t know you, or I barely do, but I believe you know me, and while I’m here on this Earth, please show me, prove to me in my disbelieving heart and mind and spirit, please answer the question, do you really love me?
God will not disappoint.
Romans 8:38
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States.
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